Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Late-Night Ruminations

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Edit: Sigh....I really wish Google Docs would do the right thing and use the name of your document as the title of your post.....

It's really strange....I can walk around for hours and hours and think about all the things I want to write about. But, when it comes time to putting thoughts to pap, er, keyboard, they seem to escape me.

This evening, after work, I went with a co-worker to dinner. It's odd that when I think about it, getting out for the evening seems out of the ordinary. But, then as I think on it more, I don't spend much time at home. Tuesdays I'm doing things at the house, Wednesday is church night, Fridays I'm doing things at the house. Saturdays, I guess, are spent at home. Sundays are up at the church. Every other Thursday I spend in Raleigh, and when I'm not in Raleigh, I'm theoretically at small group Bible study. Though, admittedly, since the end of February I've been once. I don't necessarily feel good about that.

But anyway, tonight I went to Ruby Tuesday with my co-worker tonight. While he and I do quite a bit of hanging out, tonight was not so much pleasure as the fact that we'd decided to stay at work and work on code that has to be ready to go by the end of July. We'd decided that we'd grab something around 5 and come back and work on the code. Which we did.

We ended up leaving the office around nine. Since, in theory, I'd sat and looked at code for the better part of 3 hours (and therefore been held captive by my laptop during that time), you'd think I'd be done with it. But after we parted ways, I decided that I didn't want to go straight home. Instead, I wanted to go to the library at University.

Why the library at University? While walking from my car to the library, it dawned on me. University is familiar. My mother worked at University for 30 years. During that time, I've spent countless hours going to appointments, going to her office, so much time here. In high school, when we didn't have the money to do anything else, we'd often just come over here and hang out.

Walking around tonight reminded me of those times. It also reminded me of my first days in college. I remember going to my school at the end of August. It was still warm (even for the mountains of TN). I remember the evenings being warm and humid.

Heh. Not only is it familiar, but it's comforting as well. Because, walking on this campus, it reminds me of much simpler days.

I've done so much thinking this week (and yes, it is only Wednesday....a couple of hours shy of Thursday, granted, but still Wednesday). I honestly feel like I should be starring in some channel-formerly-known-as-the-WB drama (a la Dawson's Creek), where the main character is walking along and has all these revelations about himself. Sad to say, 1) none of them are great and 2) none of them are new to me, as I've had several tell me the same things. The difference is, I guess I've come to accept them.

Walking around tonight, I remembered something that Wife said to me recently. She told me that I've never had to take care of myself. I went from being taken care of my Mom and Dad to being taken care of by her. And sadly, she's right. While I've not necessarily gotten everything I've wanted, I've gotten a lot, and certainly everything I've needed. I had a car when I was 16, my parents covered my 4 years in college (I was responsible for one summer session), had braces as a kid, clothes, books, corrective lenses, even rent my first year married while I was in college, was covered by my parents. And after school, sadly, I let Wife take care of me. Without giving her the same in return.

Ugh. Should I really post this? I would actually consider deleting it all, except I have a feeling that, what I'm just coming to terms with, others have probably noticed for some time now. So there's no point to hide it.

Yes. University is familiar and comforting. Sadly, I'm not called to stay where it's familiar and comfortable....

1 comment:

twbowes said...

THat's what the brain chillers call a breakthrough...

Keep the reality flowing...