Monday, March 05, 2007

The post where I whine....a lot

so·ci·o·path Pronunciation (ss--pth, -sh-)

One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior.


Truth be known, I don't know why I'm blogging. I know I want to. I haven't for a while. But, I have a whole mess of other things I need to be doing.

I posted the definition of "sociopath" because I half-jokingly told Pastor I thought I was one. I don't really think that's the right definition of one, though. I think it goes deeper than that. I think it basically means someone who can't have healthy relationships with others.

As I look back on my life, I've figured out that I really don't have any healthy relationships. My parents, my sister, Wife...all of them are dysfunctional to some degree (and, truth be known, to a severe degree in those cases). So, then I look at my friends....Pastor, YFCRED, Minion_1, Minion_3. I love these people. close do I get to them? And how close do I let them get?

I'm scared. I really think I'm at a point where I will lose everything. This past weekend I "stepped down" from my ministries at church to focus on my marriage. But, since that time, I'm coming to realize that it doesn't matter, as I probably won't have my marriage that much longer.

I really do wonder why I'm so screwed up....and before anyone comments and tells me that I'm not that screwed up....I am. I KNOW I have good qualities. I'm not saying I'm completely messed up and there's nothing good about me....but honestly, I'm pretty messed up. And I know the psychological people out there want to say that it's cause my father's emotionally walled off or my parents didn't hug me or because my dog died in the seventh grade or because I was sexually molested by a babysitter. I hate that. To me, it sounds like excuses.

All my life I've neglected responsibility. I've joked about it. Somehow I've managed to coast through life and be OK without putting forth too much effort. Sure, there were scary times, like in High School, when I was scared to death I wouldn't graduate. But I made it. I made it through college and got a wonderful job. I got married and have a house and mortgage and 2 cars. Somehow I've managed to do all this without a whole lot of effort. But, as I've grown older, I've realized that that quality that I was once so proud of has ended up hurting a lot of people. Not only that, but it makes me a not-very trustworthy, dependable person.

I have no ambition.
I have no motivation.
I have no energy.

I just coast along. And have for all my life.

And while I was coasting along, I've managed to kill the wonderful spirit of a wonderful young lady that I took for granted for 14 years. While I was coasting along, I neglected to invest in and build relationships with a group of youth that I really do love and enjoyed being with. Although, that may just go back to the emotional distance I seem to have with other people. While I've coasted along, I've got a mother who outright told me that talking to me is like talking to a stranger, that I'm so guarded.

I just want to be fixed.

No....I want to be fixed, and I want to go back and undo this massive mess that I seem to have created for a lot of people I love. And I can't. And so all these people are now victims of the consequences of my sin.

Yes, I've whined a lot. Yes, I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

This is where the rubber meets the road. If everything I hold so dear goes away, can I truly say that God's Grace is sufficient for me? Because honestly, that may really be what I'm left with.

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