Tuesday, October 10, 2006

It's 2:53am....

I'm generally not one to suffer from insomnia.  It's been a long while since I last had any problems going to sleep.  This morning is different.  I was awakened by the sound of messages going to my phone.  I started leaving it on loud because I'd been missing important work related pages that I really needed to know I'd gotten.  That said, it's also susceptible to spam being sent to it.  At 2am.  So I got some, woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep.

I came out here to the study.  I ordered flowers for Wife.  When I was in college, I would send her "just Tuesday" presents.  The first one I got her was a Muppet calendar.  I brought it to her dorm room.  When she asked what the occasion was, I told her "because it's Tuesday".  From that point on, any present that was bought for no reason was called a "just Tuesday" present.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.   (Ephesians 5:25, NLT)

My prayer for my marriage is that I will love Wife in the same way that Christ loves the church.  And yet, I know I fail so badly.  I know that I've caused a lot of hurt for her, unintentionally, but still there.

YFCRED reminded me that "delayed obedience is immediate disobedience".  It was in reference to my calling into the ministry.  I felt the calling as a Junior in High School.  I originally went to school with the intent of going into the ministry.  But I got distracted and lost that focus.  I didn't answer the calling until a few years ago (for anyone doing the math, it was 11+ years later).  He mentioned that because of my disobedience, there was a lot that had to be undone.

I think my marriage is like that.  When I first got married, my focus was not on loving Wife like Christ loves the church.  My focus was on me, and what I thought I was missing out on, in impressing people, wanting to do what I wanted.  During that time I had a wife that wasn't perfect, but who loved me very much and did so much to try to please me.  She got nothing in return.

There's a lot that has to be undone.  If it's not, then none of the options are pretty....

In one of the many conversations Wife and I have had during the last few days, I've been reminded that ultimately, nobody really knows me.  I don't think it's intentional.  I don't think I set out trying to hold back my true feelings and emotions.  I just....do.   Though now, I have to admit, the less contact I have with people, the better.

This past weekend, I went to go visit a friend in the hospital.  This person is an incredible person, whom I love very much.  They've been an indespensible part of several Youth trips we've taken recently.  When I went to see them, on one hand I was sad to see them there.  On the other hand, I was jealous.  To just be able to take some time away would be nice.

It's 3:33am now.  I'm supposed to get up in an hour and get ready for the gym.  I haven't been in a week and a half.  I hate that.  I hope I still remember what to do.

I just put in some time with my Ultima Online account.  I enjoy playing UO.  I once explained to Wife that I enjoy Ultima because I can kill things and not feel bad.  My character is good, so I only kill the bad guys :)

I think I'm going back to sleep now.  Hopefully.

Brian Johnson
"And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight." (2 Samuel 6:22)

No comments: