I'm generally not one to suffer from insomnia. It's been a long while since I last had any problems going to sleep. This morning is different. I was awakened by the sound of messages going to my phone. I started leaving it on loud because I'd been missing important work related pages that I really needed to know I'd gotten. That said, it's also susceptible to spam being sent to it. At 2am. So I got some, woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep.
I came out here to the study. I ordered flowers for Wife. When I was in college, I would send her "just Tuesday" presents. The first one I got her was a Muppet calendar. I brought it to her dorm room. When she asked what the occasion was, I told her "because it's Tuesday". From that point on, any present that was bought for no reason was called a "just Tuesday" present.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25, NLT)
My prayer for my marriage is that I will love Wife in the same way that Christ loves the church. And yet, I know I fail so badly. I know that I've caused a lot of hurt for her, unintentionally, but still there.
YFCRED reminded me that "delayed obedience is immediate disobedience". It was in reference to my calling into the ministry. I felt the calling as a Junior in High School. I originally went to school with the intent of going into the ministry. But I got distracted and lost that focus. I didn't answer the calling until a few years ago (for anyone doing the math, it was 11+ years later). He mentioned that because of my disobedience, there was a lot that had to be undone.
I think my marriage is like that. When I first got married, my focus was not on loving Wife like Christ loves the church. My focus was on me, and what I thought I was missing out on, in impressing people, wanting to do what I wanted. During that time I had a wife that wasn't perfect, but who loved me very much and did so much to try to please me. She got nothing in return.
There's a lot that has to be undone. If it's not, then none of the options are pretty....
In one of the many conversations Wife and I have had during the last few days, I've been reminded that ultimately, nobody really knows me. I don't think it's intentional. I don't think I set out trying to hold back my true feelings and emotions. I just....do. Though now, I have to admit, the less contact I have with people, the better.
This past weekend, I went to go visit a friend in the hospital. This person is an incredible person, whom I love very much. They've been an indespensible part of several Youth trips we've taken recently. When I went to see them, on one hand I was sad to see them there. On the other hand, I was jealous. To just be able to take some time away would be nice.
It's 3:33am now. I'm supposed to get up in an hour and get ready for the gym. I haven't been in a week and a half. I hate that. I hope I still remember what to do.
I just put in some time with my Ultima Online account. I enjoy playing UO. I once explained to Wife that I enjoy Ultima because I can kill things and not feel bad. My character is good, so I only kill the bad guys :)
I think I'm going back to sleep now. Hopefully.
--
Brian Johnson
http://khelek.blogspot.com
"And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight." (2 Samuel 6:22)
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